My biggest problem is that I tend to forget about it. I know that might sound stupid, how can you forget the depressive cloud hanging over you? It happens and I'll have some good days while it's happening. It's like I've been magically cured but obviously, that isn't the case. I just continue on with life, usually too busy with working and sleeping to notice that it's there but then I'll have some spare time and it'll hit me. Which is what happened last week.
I had last week off work so there was a lot of spare time, most of which was spent in front of the TV binge watching Grey's Anatomy and fighting with how exhausted I am, which was frustrating because I took the week off to fix how exhausted I am. I had time to think though, which lead me to thinking about my life and how my depression seems to come in waves. During the last wave, I was eager to move out so we found a new place and we moved. In my mind, it was going to be the magical gift that would cure my depression and I'd be so much happier cause we were in a new place but that didn't happen. Instead I've had days when I've not felt at home in my new place and while I know that it's because this place is bigger so making it a home will take a little longer and more money than at the last place, it'll be home soon enough. That doesn't stop that feeling though, the feeling of wanting everything done right now but knowing that it isn't a possibility. I accepted that, and moved onto the next thing that I thought would make me happy - finding a new job.
Through the luck of connections, I managed to myself a job interview at the store my girlfriend works at but in another location. I felt confident that I could do it but then left the interview feeling like maybe I hadn't done as well as I could have but who doesn't feel that way after an interview? The confidence I had that I'd get this job disappeared and I started to feel maybe my current job isn't that bad but I know that once I'm back, I'll hate it again. So, the new job didn't work out as planned which meant that wasn't the magical cure either. So, onto the next thing - spending money.
Ah, money. Something I struggle to hold onto on the best of days so add in some depressive spending and it disappears even faster. I knew what I was doing, I knew that I was searching around for things to spend my money on because having something new would make me feel better for a short period of time until I got the next new thing. Despite knowing it though, I still did and ending up spending too much on my payday and now I'm too scared to check my bank account out of fear of how little I'll have left considering I was only paid 3 days ago. Despite knowing it, I still want to go out and spend money. It's always been something I've struggle with, saving money over spending it because there will always be something that'll catch me eye and I won't be able to convince myself that I don't need it, not always. So, I'm still currently stuck on this one but I'm working on it.
The thing that keeps me going though, through the good days and the bad is the small amount of motivation that pushes me to keep chasing what I want. It's definitely grown over time, there was days when it wasn't there at all. It reminds me of what I want and that I need to go out and get it, it reminds me that through the bad days, there will always be good ones and even more of them than bad ones. It's realistic, it knows that it won't happen overnight, that it won't be the magical cure because there isn't one - depression is something that I need to accept but not in defeat, accept and know that despite this, I can still continue on and achieve whatever I want.
As I said, what works for one won't always work for another but it's always to remember that your depression doesn't own you, you don't need to admit defeat and let it win, it's about knowing it's there but pushing forward anyway. It'll be hard but baby steps are always steps in the right direction.
Until next time,
Charlie.
