Depression & how not to deal with it.

I, like millions of others, am unfortunately cursed with depression. I mentioned this in my previous post, about how I've dealt with it in different ways over the years. From crying and hurting myself to an acceptance that is similar to just admitting defeat and I believe that for me, they aren't great ways to deal with this. Everyone has it differently, everyone deals with it differently and that's fine. Whatever you need to do to get by. I've realised though, that the way I've been dealing with it isn't the best way for me. Acknowledging that is the first step, the first step to dealing with it in a way that's better for me.

My biggest problem is that I tend to forget about it. I know that might sound stupid, how can you forget the depressive cloud hanging over you? It happens and I'll have some good days while it's happening. It's like I've been magically cured but obviously, that isn't the case. I just continue on with life, usually too busy with working and sleeping to notice that it's there but then I'll have some spare time and it'll hit me. Which is what happened last week.

I had last week off work so there was a lot of spare time, most of which was spent in front of the TV binge watching Grey's Anatomy and fighting with how exhausted I am, which was frustrating because I took the week off to fix how exhausted I am. I had time to think though, which lead me to thinking about my life and how my depression seems to come in waves. During the last wave, I was eager to move out so we found a new place and we moved. In my mind, it was going to be the magical gift that would cure my depression and I'd be so much happier cause we were in a new place but that didn't happen. Instead I've had days when I've not felt at home in my new place and while I know that it's because this place is bigger so making it a home will take a little longer and more money than at the last place, it'll be home soon enough. That doesn't stop that feeling though, the feeling of wanting everything done right now but knowing that it isn't a possibility.  I accepted that, and moved onto the next thing that I thought would make me happy - finding a new job.

Through the luck of connections, I managed to myself a job interview at the store my girlfriend works at but in another location. I felt confident that I could do it but then left the interview feeling like maybe I hadn't done as well as I could have but who doesn't feel that way after an interview? The confidence I had that I'd get this job disappeared and I started to feel maybe my current job isn't that bad but I know that once I'm back, I'll hate it again. So, the new job didn't work out as planned which meant that wasn't the magical cure either. So, onto the next thing - spending money.

Ah, money. Something I struggle to hold onto on the best of days so add in some depressive spending and it disappears even faster. I knew what I was doing, I knew that I was searching around for things to spend my money on because having something new would make me feel better for a short  period of time until I got the next new thing. Despite knowing it though, I still did and ending up spending too much on my payday and now I'm too scared to check my bank account out of fear of how little I'll have left considering I was only paid 3 days ago. Despite knowing it, I still want to go out and spend money. It's always been something I've struggle with, saving money over spending it because there will always be something that'll catch me eye and I won't be able to convince myself that I don't need it, not always. So, I'm still currently stuck on this one but I'm working on it.

The thing that keeps me going though, through the good days and the bad is the small amount of motivation that pushes me to keep chasing what I want. It's definitely grown over time, there was days when it wasn't there at all. It reminds me of what I want and that I need to go out and get it, it reminds me that through the bad days, there will always be good ones and even more of them than bad ones. It's realistic, it knows that it won't happen overnight, that it won't be the magical cure because there isn't one - depression is something that I need to accept but not in defeat, accept and know that despite this, I can still continue on and achieve whatever I want.

As I said, what works for one won't always work for another but it's always to remember that your depression doesn't own you, you don't need to admit defeat and let it win, it's about knowing it's there but pushing forward anyway. It'll be hard but baby steps are always steps in the right direction.

Until next time,

Charlie.

I am tired.

I am tired. I am so tired that my eyes hurt. I am so tired that my head feels like it's lagging behind and I'm struggling to keep up with the world around me.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way, I'm always tired in someway or another. I try to do what I can to make sure that I'm not tired. I do what people always say and go to bed early to ensure that I'm getting enough sleep and if I've got a day off then I try to sleep in. Try because I usually wake up early anyway. It never seems to work though. I do have days when I feel awake and okay but eventually the tiredness hits me and I'm going bed at 8pm, maybe even 7pm. It's not just the "lack of sleep" tired though, sometimes it's a drained tired where I have barely any energy to do anything but of course, I've gotta drag myself out of bed and go to work and live life.

It's an issue, obviously. How are you meant to make it through the day, the week, your life if you're just constantly tired? It's become more of an issue in the past few months. It's like something snapped and my body can't hold the charge of last nights sleep long enough for me to make it through the day. I've become an old phone that after an hour of use has only 10% battery remaining and I'm not able to recharge myself.

Unfortunately, I have depression to add into the mixture which is exhausting also. I've been sad, I've cried and shut myself away. I've hurt myself. Now, my way of handling it is almost like accepting it which might sound like a good thing but it's not. It feels that by accepting it, I've shut myself down completely. I've become a numb, empty shell of a person going through the motions because nothing is going to change. I'm going to be depressed, I'm going to be tired and nothing is going to change because I'm too tired to do anything about it which leads to being depressed. It's a never ending cycle.

But.

I'm working to change that. I know I just said nothing is going to change but that's my defeated self giving up while things are tough. At times like these, it's not easy to be positive but it's not impossible. One small step is more than no steps at all. It's never too late to get your shit together. I can push through tiredness, even if only for a small amount of time or for a small task and be one step closer to where I want to be.

The fact that I turned a post about how depressingly tired I am into something positive and motivational for myself is prove of that. It'll probably be a common trend, because there always has to be positive in the negative, right?

Until next time,

Charlie.

Dealing with Bad Days

I'm sure we've all had bad days. Some more so than others, some that turn into bad weeks or months and finding a way to deal with them is something that I feel I need.

It's okay to feel.

Today, I cried at work.