Depression & how not to deal with it.

I, like millions of others, am unfortunately cursed with depression. I mentioned this in my previous post, about how I've dealt with it in different ways over the years. From crying and hurting myself to an acceptance that is similar to just admitting defeat and I believe that for me, they aren't great ways to deal with this. Everyone has it differently, everyone deals with it differently and that's fine. Whatever you need to do to get by. I've realised though, that the way I've been dealing with it isn't the best way for me. Acknowledging that is the first step, the first step to dealing with it in a way that's better for me.

My biggest problem is that I tend to forget about it. I know that might sound stupid, how can you forget the depressive cloud hanging over you? It happens and I'll have some good days while it's happening. It's like I've been magically cured but obviously, that isn't the case. I just continue on with life, usually too busy with working and sleeping to notice that it's there but then I'll have some spare time and it'll hit me. Which is what happened last week.

I had last week off work so there was a lot of spare time, most of which was spent in front of the TV binge watching Grey's Anatomy and fighting with how exhausted I am, which was frustrating because I took the week off to fix how exhausted I am. I had time to think though, which lead me to thinking about my life and how my depression seems to come in waves. During the last wave, I was eager to move out so we found a new place and we moved. In my mind, it was going to be the magical gift that would cure my depression and I'd be so much happier cause we were in a new place but that didn't happen. Instead I've had days when I've not felt at home in my new place and while I know that it's because this place is bigger so making it a home will take a little longer and more money than at the last place, it'll be home soon enough. That doesn't stop that feeling though, the feeling of wanting everything done right now but knowing that it isn't a possibility.  I accepted that, and moved onto the next thing that I thought would make me happy - finding a new job.

Through the luck of connections, I managed to myself a job interview at the store my girlfriend works at but in another location. I felt confident that I could do it but then left the interview feeling like maybe I hadn't done as well as I could have but who doesn't feel that way after an interview? The confidence I had that I'd get this job disappeared and I started to feel maybe my current job isn't that bad but I know that once I'm back, I'll hate it again. So, the new job didn't work out as planned which meant that wasn't the magical cure either. So, onto the next thing - spending money.

Ah, money. Something I struggle to hold onto on the best of days so add in some depressive spending and it disappears even faster. I knew what I was doing, I knew that I was searching around for things to spend my money on because having something new would make me feel better for a short  period of time until I got the next new thing. Despite knowing it though, I still did and ending up spending too much on my payday and now I'm too scared to check my bank account out of fear of how little I'll have left considering I was only paid 3 days ago. Despite knowing it, I still want to go out and spend money. It's always been something I've struggle with, saving money over spending it because there will always be something that'll catch me eye and I won't be able to convince myself that I don't need it, not always. So, I'm still currently stuck on this one but I'm working on it.

The thing that keeps me going though, through the good days and the bad is the small amount of motivation that pushes me to keep chasing what I want. It's definitely grown over time, there was days when it wasn't there at all. It reminds me of what I want and that I need to go out and get it, it reminds me that through the bad days, there will always be good ones and even more of them than bad ones. It's realistic, it knows that it won't happen overnight, that it won't be the magical cure because there isn't one - depression is something that I need to accept but not in defeat, accept and know that despite this, I can still continue on and achieve whatever I want.

As I said, what works for one won't always work for another but it's always to remember that your depression doesn't own you, you don't need to admit defeat and let it win, it's about knowing it's there but pushing forward anyway. It'll be hard but baby steps are always steps in the right direction.

Until next time,

Charlie.

I am tired.

I am tired. I am so tired that my eyes hurt. I am so tired that my head feels like it's lagging behind and I'm struggling to keep up with the world around me.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way, I'm always tired in someway or another. I try to do what I can to make sure that I'm not tired. I do what people always say and go to bed early to ensure that I'm getting enough sleep and if I've got a day off then I try to sleep in. Try because I usually wake up early anyway. It never seems to work though. I do have days when I feel awake and okay but eventually the tiredness hits me and I'm going bed at 8pm, maybe even 7pm. It's not just the "lack of sleep" tired though, sometimes it's a drained tired where I have barely any energy to do anything but of course, I've gotta drag myself out of bed and go to work and live life.

It's an issue, obviously. How are you meant to make it through the day, the week, your life if you're just constantly tired? It's become more of an issue in the past few months. It's like something snapped and my body can't hold the charge of last nights sleep long enough for me to make it through the day. I've become an old phone that after an hour of use has only 10% battery remaining and I'm not able to recharge myself.

Unfortunately, I have depression to add into the mixture which is exhausting also. I've been sad, I've cried and shut myself away. I've hurt myself. Now, my way of handling it is almost like accepting it which might sound like a good thing but it's not. It feels that by accepting it, I've shut myself down completely. I've become a numb, empty shell of a person going through the motions because nothing is going to change. I'm going to be depressed, I'm going to be tired and nothing is going to change because I'm too tired to do anything about it which leads to being depressed. It's a never ending cycle.

But.

I'm working to change that. I know I just said nothing is going to change but that's my defeated self giving up while things are tough. At times like these, it's not easy to be positive but it's not impossible. One small step is more than no steps at all. It's never too late to get your shit together. I can push through tiredness, even if only for a small amount of time or for a small task and be one step closer to where I want to be.

The fact that I turned a post about how depressingly tired I am into something positive and motivational for myself is prove of that. It'll probably be a common trend, because there always has to be positive in the negative, right?

Until next time,

Charlie.

I'm back.. again.

You may or may not have noticed that I disappeared yet again but in my defence, I was moving and that takes a lot of time, effort and waiting for the internet to connect at my new home. I'm now somewhat settled into my new home with my girlfriend and it's great!

Hopefully I'll be able to get back into the swing of things with blogging but this time I'm going to be taking some pressure of myself. I feel that I tend to put too much time and effort into making ideas and planning them than I do actually putting them into motion which is something I want to change. Of course, creating and planning is important but when you waste all your motivation on that, you don't have much left over for whatever it was.

With that in mind, it's gonna become more casual. I'm just gonna post when I want, whatever I want while I slowly build up a plan that I can work with without taking all the fun out of this. Expect a mixed bag of posts from personal posts to music recommendations because there will always be music recommendations.

Stick around, enjoy the ridiculous ramblings of some stranger on the internet and I'll see you next time.

I don't wanna be alone on New Years Eve

Title Lyrics: New Years Eve by Pale Waves

In case you weren't aware, we've entered a New Year. Something that most people around the world celebrate, sending the old year off and bringing in the new year with a bang. Unlike me, who was fast asleep until the fireworks started.

Having plans for New Years was something that I always wanted to have, because everyone else was doing something and it's a reason to celebrate, I didn't want to be left out. As I've gotten older though, I've realised that it isn't the worst thing in the world to have a nice night in with those close to you to celebrate the New Year. Even if you just want to sleep through it, that's totally fine as well. Who wants to start the New Year feeling rough anyway?

I've also realised that the New Year isn't an excuse to start doing something you want to do, even though I have been terrible for thinking the New Year is the chance to do something I've been putting off, that it's going to be my year, etc. If you want something enough then you should go for it and make it happen regardless of what time of the year it is. Every year is your year if you make it so.

So, with those things in mind, I'm going to make sure that I celebrate the future New Years the way that appeals to me the most. Whether that's drinking with friends or snuggling up with a good movie and most importantly, I'm going to remember I don't need to want for anytime of year to go after what I want - something that I'm really trying to drill into my head because it's the number one thing holding me back.. hopefully it won't be for much longer.

See you next time! 

      

HELLO 2018!

It's been a while but I'm back!

After maintaining this blog for longer than I have with any other blog, I disappeared. Oops! Life got a little in the way and then it was the holidays so unfortunately, I just didn't have the time or motivation to continue but I'm back!

I'm back and it's hopefully going to be better than before. I've made a few tweaks. All new headers, a new colour theme but most importantly, new posts and a new schedule for me. I realised last time that the one I had set myself was a bit too much, I don't want to take the fun out of doing this with a set schedule. So, I'll continue to post weekly but the days and what I'll be posting will vary.

You can still expect to see posts about music and movies, with tweaks to make it a little bit better but there will also be more posts about me, my life and my experiences. Maybe also some completely random posts but if I'm enjoying it, that's what matters right? Hopefully whoever is reading this will enjoy it too!

So, stick with me through this new year of blogging and let's see what this new year holds!

Happy New Year, everyone! 

Story time w/ Grape // LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

Today, I'm talking about LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS, something I've had plenty of experience with!

Long distance relationships or LDR for short is a relationship that is obviously long distance. It could be that you're in the same country but some miles apart or in completely different countries to each other.

Most of my relationships have been long distance relationships, most likely because I'm a shy person so meeting people out in the real world isn't easy for me so that meant the internet was were my relationships started. 

THE FIRST LDR.

You might remember from my post about coming out that I developed feelings for a girl, that girl became my first girlfriend and my first long distance relationship. She lived in Wales, while I live two and a half hours away. We were together for about three years altogether, two of which were spent waiting to meet each other. Yup, you read that right. Two years of the relationship was based purely on us talking daily whether it was via text or online, waiting for the day that we could finally meet face to face.

When we finally meet, we were joined by our parents. My dad, who travelled on the train to Wales with me and she was with her mum.. I guess in situations like these and considering our ages, it was best to have some parents around to make sure everything was okay and everyone was who they said they were. Thankfully, that was the case.

Our first meeting led to more meetings, one of which was behind her mums back as she wasn't too happy about our relationship, until eventually we split up. 

THE ONES THAT FOLLOWED.

One lead to another, and another.

The relationships that followed were a combination of long distances similar to my first and shorter distances that made things easier. As I got older and was able to travel on my own with the money that I'd earnt, it became easier to visit whoever I was currently with.

MY OPINION ON LDRS.

I feel the most common question relating to LDRs is "do they work?" and depending on who you are and what your experience is, the answer will obviously vary. 

My opinion is that they can work but it isn't easy. It's not something that gets easier the longer you're together either. Similar with any other relationship, you grown closer together and your feelings become stronger so the distance becomes harder to deal with but future plans can be made, people move and distances cane become shorter. It can work if you truly want it to, but it isn't for everyone.

If you have any comments or questions, feel free to post them below and I'll reply. Also, check out the links below for guides and tips for LDRs!

MY ADVICE FOR LDRS.

There are somethings I've learnt through my time in long distance relationships and hopefully these little piece of advice will be helpful.

• MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER: This might seem like a silly piece of advice because obviously you will but spending time talking to each other via Skype or over the phone when you can have each others undivided attention is always good. 
• SEND EACH OTHER THINGS: This can be anything from photos of yourself, things that remind you of each other and you could even send things via snail mail especially if you live a big distance from each other. Care packages for each other might help get through the harder days.
• COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER: And I'm not talking about daily conversation. If you have any issues or you're having a hard time, talk about it. As previously stated, they can be hard so it's good to be there for each other if one of you is struggling with the distance more than usual. Any small issue can seem worse when you're further apart, so make sure you're open and honest and work through any issues or problems when they arise - don't leave them to get worse. 

If you have any comments or questions, leave them below and I'll happily respond. Also check out the links below for advice, tips and activities for long distance relationships!

WHAT EVERY PERSON IN A LDR SHOULD KNOW.

via HuffingtonPost.com

LOVINGFROMADISTANCE.com

A website with different activities, advice and inspiration for your LDR.

Story time w/ Grape // COMING OUT

Story time w/ Grape = me, talking to you, about a variety of different things. Got it? Good!

Today, I'm talking about COMING OUT and my experience with it.

FIGURING IT OUT.

I realised I was bisexual, which is what I first came out as, when I was 15. I was talking to a girl and the more we talked, the more my feelings for her grew and while for some, this may have been a big sign, it took me a few months after that for me to catch on. Although, having feelings for someone of the same sex doesn't necessarily mean that your sexuality is anything different to what your identify as - sexuality is fluid so just roll with it and identify with what you feel best suits you. 

When I realised, it was a light bulb moment - the light lit up and the realisation sunk in that I'm into girls. Sometime later, how much I can't remember now, I came out as lesbian. 

Looking back, I realised it was staring me in the face the whole time. Any interest in guys I had while at school was mostly based on my friends / other girls having interest in guys so that seemed like the normal thing to do. I'm not saying there wasn't some genuine interest there, I just knew that I'd rather put my effort into something other than chasing boys. I also had boyfriends while in school but again, it felt like things my friends made happen and I didn't have much interest in being couply with my new boyfriend. None of these relationship lasted long and never went further than a small kiss. 

Having feelings and relationships with other girls felt so normal as well, which is why I feel it took me sometime to realise my sexuality while it was happening because I never felt the need to question it. I also still find guys attractive, because much like every other person, I can appreciate when someone is attractive. 

COMING OUT TO MY FAMILY.

My mum was the first person I told. 

As random as it seems, it was during a MSN conversation we were in with someone she knew. They were talking about their dislike for homosexual people and how they were going to end up in ditches, which is when I chimed in that as a bisexual, I knew I wouldn't end up in any ditches. Later on that day, my parents asked me if I was bisexual and I said yes. When I realised I was lesbian, I told my mum again and that was that.

I've been fortunate that my parents, as well as my siblings, have been supportive. My dad will occasionally have conversations with me about how happy he is that I could tell them something like this, that he is supportive of me and he'd never have any issue with it. My mum did tell me that it took sometime getting used to, especially when it came to seeing me with my first girlfriend, but she is supportive and accepting of me. I've never experienced any negativity or discrimination from other family members, who found out from my parents either. 

I feel grateful to have the parents and family that I do because I know that not everyone will be meet with the same reaction when they come out to their families which I hate but unfortunately, the LGBTQIA community isn't something that is widely accepted in the world today - something I hope will one day change. 

COMING OUT TO OTHERS.

The coming out never stops because you're always meeting new people. Whether it be new friends, work colleagues or maybe in some situations, strangers. 

Unlike how I came out to my parents, I don't just straight up say "Hey, I'm a lesbian" because you don't see straight people telling others their straight, so I don't see the need to tell others I'm a lesbian. Instead, it's usually through conversations where I mention my partner, or something relating to my sexuality and it's done.

Again, I've never been met with any negativity or discrimination, although there has been a few instances when I've received comments like "How do you know you're gay if you've never been with a guy?" or "You're too pretty to be a lesbian". As well as other situations where despite knowing my sexuality, guys think they still have some sort of chance and that there will be just one kiss, or just one chance. I'd consider this, on some level, discrimination because it dismisses my sexuality in order to get what they want, with little or no respect to my lack of interest or desire to want to. 

There has also been times while out in public holding hands with my partner at the time, where people have given us dirty looks but in situations like that, I simply brush it off. A dirty look isn't going to stop me being who I am. 

SO..

That is my coming out experience, which compared to others is probably a walk in the park. As I previously said, I'm grateful to have very little negative experiences compared to others and I hope that one day, equality and equal rights for all of the LGBTQIA community is a reality and not something we have to fight for, the way we do today.

If you have any questions or comments, then make sure to leave them below and I'll happily respond. You can also check out the websites I listed below, if you're interested in more information on LGBTQIA and coming out, below!

AUTOSTRADDLE.com

News, entertainment and more for the ladies of the LGBTQIA.

STONEWALL.org.uk

A great site for help and advice, dedicated to making change happen.

ADVICE ON COMING OUT

Advice for all ages on coming out, via the Stonewall Website. 

The Struggle with Friendships.

As far back as I can remember, I've always been the shy kid so making friendships has always been something I struggle with. Even today, with the confidence I've gained over the last few years, it's something I struggle with.

Dealing with Bad Days

I'm sure we've all had bad days. Some more so than others, some that turn into bad weeks or months and finding a way to deal with them is something that I feel I need.

It's okay to feel.

Today, I cried at work.