I am tired.

I am tired. I am so tired that my eyes hurt. I am so tired that my head feels like it's lagging behind and I'm struggling to keep up with the world around me.

This isn't the first time I've felt this way, I'm always tired in someway or another. I try to do what I can to make sure that I'm not tired. I do what people always say and go to bed early to ensure that I'm getting enough sleep and if I've got a day off then I try to sleep in. Try because I usually wake up early anyway. It never seems to work though. I do have days when I feel awake and okay but eventually the tiredness hits me and I'm going bed at 8pm, maybe even 7pm. It's not just the "lack of sleep" tired though, sometimes it's a drained tired where I have barely any energy to do anything but of course, I've gotta drag myself out of bed and go to work and live life.

It's an issue, obviously. How are you meant to make it through the day, the week, your life if you're just constantly tired? It's become more of an issue in the past few months. It's like something snapped and my body can't hold the charge of last nights sleep long enough for me to make it through the day. I've become an old phone that after an hour of use has only 10% battery remaining and I'm not able to recharge myself.

Unfortunately, I have depression to add into the mixture which is exhausting also. I've been sad, I've cried and shut myself away. I've hurt myself. Now, my way of handling it is almost like accepting it which might sound like a good thing but it's not. It feels that by accepting it, I've shut myself down completely. I've become a numb, empty shell of a person going through the motions because nothing is going to change. I'm going to be depressed, I'm going to be tired and nothing is going to change because I'm too tired to do anything about it which leads to being depressed. It's a never ending cycle.

But.

I'm working to change that. I know I just said nothing is going to change but that's my defeated self giving up while things are tough. At times like these, it's not easy to be positive but it's not impossible. One small step is more than no steps at all. It's never too late to get your shit together. I can push through tiredness, even if only for a small amount of time or for a small task and be one step closer to where I want to be.

The fact that I turned a post about how depressingly tired I am into something positive and motivational for myself is prove of that. It'll probably be a common trend, because there always has to be positive in the negative, right?

Until next time,

Charlie.

I don't wanna be alone on New Years Eve

Title Lyrics: New Years Eve by Pale Waves

In case you weren't aware, we've entered a New Year. Something that most people around the world celebrate, sending the old year off and bringing in the new year with a bang. Unlike me, who was fast asleep until the fireworks started.

Having plans for New Years was something that I always wanted to have, because everyone else was doing something and it's a reason to celebrate, I didn't want to be left out. As I've gotten older though, I've realised that it isn't the worst thing in the world to have a nice night in with those close to you to celebrate the New Year. Even if you just want to sleep through it, that's totally fine as well. Who wants to start the New Year feeling rough anyway?

I've also realised that the New Year isn't an excuse to start doing something you want to do, even though I have been terrible for thinking the New Year is the chance to do something I've been putting off, that it's going to be my year, etc. If you want something enough then you should go for it and make it happen regardless of what time of the year it is. Every year is your year if you make it so.

So, with those things in mind, I'm going to make sure that I celebrate the future New Years the way that appeals to me the most. Whether that's drinking with friends or snuggling up with a good movie and most importantly, I'm going to remember I don't need to want for anytime of year to go after what I want - something that I'm really trying to drill into my head because it's the number one thing holding me back.. hopefully it won't be for much longer.

See you next time! 

      

Being productive.

This isn't the first blog I had, it's about the hundredth. Everytime, I tell myself that I'm going to keep this one active and regularly update it but I never manage more on that one or two posts before it's forgotten about. Guess what I'm telling myself this time? Oh yes, that same thing but I feel like this time will be different and I have my girlfriend to thank for that.